Was going to write a long bitchy blog buuuut.

Renee wrote this on facebook and it just describes how i feel RIGHT now:

Tired of these endless games, Time to end the darkened day To raise the sword To kill the light Because there is no reason left to fight...

Finals

Blah. That's all I have to say about Finals. Evil evil professors. Why must you assign finals and papers due the same week?

Thanksgiving break

Lost all motivation and drive to make it through this semeseter. So behind its not even funny. Cant bring myself to push through for Thanksgiving break. I need a break badly. AHHH I am losing my mind. Not even speaking in full sentances these days.

Oh yessss

Oh boy. You made my day. Thank you for doing this. You are awesome. And I am glad we are friends. I am so glad you are going to Date Party with me. Because you are hot. And fun. And so sweet. Seriously. I can't wait to see you on Saturday. It made my day when you said you didn't feel good but that you would still be here. Because you don't owe me that. But I truely appreciate it... Thank you so much. Ahhh I am so excited. Hopefully this goes better than my previous history with boys....

I think my brain is missing

Losing my mind over him!! Everytime I hear our song, my mind wanders back to the day we danced to it. We literally danced to it like 4 times in a row. And I want to go back to that moment and stay there. I see that favorite picture of him and I want him to look at me like that again. I miss seeing his face. I miss holding his hand and I miss the promises. I miss talking about getting married. I just miss those dreams we shared. But we are moving in seperate directions so fast, I can barely reach out to grab you. I still dream about you every night. I still think about that big wedding. I still want all that. But you don't. At least not any more. And the sad part? I don't know what you want! You are so confusing! I want to lay in your arms forever, just like you promised. And sadly I just realized, I went from talking about him, to talking like I am talking to him! But I love him. And if I knew he wouldn't get upset I would tell him.

FUCK

Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for not knowing what you want until its all my fault you don't have it. Fuck you for making me feel lower than the ground. Fuck you for distracting me when I have other parts of my life to pay attention to. You fuckin don't get to tell me that you never want to talk to me again. Because damn we all know you'll be back in a week. And I can't say I'll be here. Because you have gone too far this time. It's your fault and all I can say is I hope you find a girl who loves you like I loved you but I hope she gives you everything you deserve: lies, hatred for yourself, a pain so deep you feel like you are breaking inside, a crazy messed up life that ends in misery like you have given me. I hope you feel like shit for what you have done. Because I am so ready to see you suffer like you have made me suffer. FUCK YOU

why why why why why does he do this to me? i am a mess and he picks the absolute worst moments to hurt me. its like breaking up all over again. only this time its worse because he doesnt want to talk to me ever again. this time hes telling me we cant be friends. and im going to die. i love him. and he hates me. the only person i love hates me. the one boy ive trusted and told things ive never told to anyone hates me. all because of me. its really my fault. because i cant be the person he wants me to be. i cant keep my mouth shut.

Eek!

First day of class and I'm nervous. What if it is really really hard? I really can't take four hard classes. I would diiiie. What if the profs are mean? What if when I go to Israel, I get super behind and they won't be understanding or help me out? I'm really freaking out. Dad pretty much said I have no excuse to fail, because all of the resources on campus but what if I do get help but I am still awful at that course? I would be soooo screwed at home. Oh goodness I'm nervous.

Good Morning World and All Who Inhabit It

Hi! Its a good day. Dad and Jessica are coming up and my floor is having dinner together before the community concil info meeting. Then classes start tomorrow, which I am looking forward to. And Kristy is here on Wednesday. Gonna be a great week. Alan might visit this month too which would be sweet since its been a month since I have seen him. So I'm feeling good so far. Making friends and all that. More later

Shopping and my Plan

So yesterday, shopping with the roommates. Went into Old Navy. And did something I have never ever done. I bought more than one thing. My dad has trained me. You don't go into a store without a plan, buy what you want and you certainly don't buy it at full price. I did all of that. I just bough what I wanted, no guilt. Just picked up what I liked and payed for it. It's so weird but that is like the victory of my week. That just rocked it out.

So my plan for Alan is to leave it all to him. Everything. Hes the one who doesnt know what he wants.

Good Day

Had an awesome time meeting the roommates. We are going to get along great! Had so much fun eating and talking and shopping. Got a new purse and some other stuff. This rocks. Alan is home. Feeling so much better.

Dear Alan

Dear Alan,
I love you. More than anything in the world. I care for you so much. I had this dream. This afternoon. I see you and me holding hands. You get down on one knee. You tell me you love me and want to be together forever. I cry. You kiss me. We tell our family. But no one was surprised. Everyone said it was only a matter of time. We are so in love. You tell me to plan my dream. The next year is so happy. We have a big wedding. You look so perfect in a tux. You smile when you see me. You can't even cry. We are so happy. We take our vows. Everyone is smiling. When he says we are husband and wife, you lean in to kiss me. Before we do, you whisper you love me and we will be together forever. I look in your eyes and I know its true. Our lips meet. The first kiss of the rest of our life together. We dance. Its just like the first time we danced. I can't see anyone but you. You hold me so tight and we are alone in that hotel room again, dancing to John Mayer and so in love. We spend the night with all our family and friends. The food is amazing, just what you wanted but I don't think you would care if it wasn't. We barely taste it. All night, your lips find mine and I am always back to that night in your arms. You just held me and I knew then. That this was forever. A huge party of 300+ people but we barely notice as we leave for an amazing week on a cruise. I feel all alone with you everywhere we go. We get back to a beautiful life together. A year later, you know something. You just know. We tell our family. They are still not surprised. You take care of me. You rub my feet, my back, my belly. You whisper hello everyday when you get home. You kiss me softly. Then one day, its time. You hold my hand and I give birth to our beautiful daughter. Shes blonde and blue-eyed just like you but you don't even notice. You hold her and you are so in love. I love you more and I don't even know. Christian comes in. He's getting so big and looks more like you and Shawn everyday. He holds her. And it is so precious. We go home. I hold our baby and you hold me and we are so happy. And everyday I love you more than the day before. If that is even possible. And we are together forever.

bad day

I miss him so much. We will be together forever. It's going to be hard to get that far though. Ugh this is so hard.

A New Day

I need a fresh start. WE need a fresh start. We need to get past all the tears and go back to when it was simple. It was easy. There were no games. I feel so thankful for our relationship. It know he cares. I know he does. I love him. I believe in our future. The weekend was amazing. Through the tears, we had an amazing time. We layed in bed, talked all night. It felt so real. There is just something about him. Something that makes me feel so happy being out of control. We need a chance to make it work but this is not it. We need to keep this going. Without risking the whole thing. It's a lot of work, but as long as he is in I am in. Just got to keep going forward.