Was going to write a long bitchy blog buuuut.

Renee wrote this on facebook and it just describes how i feel RIGHT now:

Tired of these endless games, Time to end the darkened day To raise the sword To kill the light Because there is no reason left to fight...

Finals

Blah. That's all I have to say about Finals. Evil evil professors. Why must you assign finals and papers due the same week?

Thanksgiving break

Lost all motivation and drive to make it through this semeseter. So behind its not even funny. Cant bring myself to push through for Thanksgiving break. I need a break badly. AHHH I am losing my mind. Not even speaking in full sentances these days.

Oh yessss

Oh boy. You made my day. Thank you for doing this. You are awesome. And I am glad we are friends. I am so glad you are going to Date Party with me. Because you are hot. And fun. And so sweet. Seriously. I can't wait to see you on Saturday. It made my day when you said you didn't feel good but that you would still be here. Because you don't owe me that. But I truely appreciate it... Thank you so much. Ahhh I am so excited. Hopefully this goes better than my previous history with boys....

I think my brain is missing

Losing my mind over him!! Everytime I hear our song, my mind wanders back to the day we danced to it. We literally danced to it like 4 times in a row. And I want to go back to that moment and stay there. I see that favorite picture of him and I want him to look at me like that again. I miss seeing his face. I miss holding his hand and I miss the promises. I miss talking about getting married. I just miss those dreams we shared. But we are moving in seperate directions so fast, I can barely reach out to grab you. I still dream about you every night. I still think about that big wedding. I still want all that. But you don't. At least not any more. And the sad part? I don't know what you want! You are so confusing! I want to lay in your arms forever, just like you promised. And sadly I just realized, I went from talking about him, to talking like I am talking to him! But I love him. And if I knew he wouldn't get upset I would tell him.

FUCK

Fuck you for doing this to me. Fuck you for not knowing what you want until its all my fault you don't have it. Fuck you for making me feel lower than the ground. Fuck you for distracting me when I have other parts of my life to pay attention to. You fuckin don't get to tell me that you never want to talk to me again. Because damn we all know you'll be back in a week. And I can't say I'll be here. Because you have gone too far this time. It's your fault and all I can say is I hope you find a girl who loves you like I loved you but I hope she gives you everything you deserve: lies, hatred for yourself, a pain so deep you feel like you are breaking inside, a crazy messed up life that ends in misery like you have given me. I hope you feel like shit for what you have done. Because I am so ready to see you suffer like you have made me suffer. FUCK YOU

why why why why why does he do this to me? i am a mess and he picks the absolute worst moments to hurt me. its like breaking up all over again. only this time its worse because he doesnt want to talk to me ever again. this time hes telling me we cant be friends. and im going to die. i love him. and he hates me. the only person i love hates me. the one boy ive trusted and told things ive never told to anyone hates me. all because of me. its really my fault. because i cant be the person he wants me to be. i cant keep my mouth shut.